when food plays pretend

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Modern technology means that some skills eventually become obsolete: bow fletching, scalping of fallen enemies, alchemy, for example.

The sublime art of boiling an egg may be next with the development of the self-timing egg. A special dye on the shell turns black when the egg is done, taking out the guesswork from this simplest of household chores. Like instant soup, it only comes with one step: Just add one egg.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Breakfast of Champions

On the menu: bacon, eggs, and advertising.

CBS will soon laser-etch ads on eggshells because media bombardment must be total. Soon, media will replace legumes on the food pyramid.

Sweet As Sin.

The seven deadly sins in gummi form. Because woodcuts of demons and eternal damnation just don't do it anymore.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

38. Taste Explosion

If it's not love, then it's the bomb that will keep us together.
If only until dessert.

Monday, March 27, 2006

37. It's a dog's life

They're now selling flavored water for dogs.

Meanwhile, people are dying from lack of access to water.

36. Pop Art

Coming soon: "a programmable cola bottle with buttons for lemon, lime, vanilla, and cherry flavors as well as a caffeine button allows for thirty-two potential choices of soda. A programmable paint container with twenty pigment additive buttons allows the consumer to choose from one million colors."

Also coming soon: a hundred indecisions, and a hundred visions and revisions before the taking of FD&C.

35. Oh, Suzy!

Panda sushi is not , as some people might imagine, made of slices of bear meat rolled with slightly fermented rice. It's something entirely cuter.

Dessert, of course, is a no brainer. Like, hello?

Link from Teh Topnotcher, who is smarter than the average bear and most humans.

34. Hips Like Sugar

Eye candy that's also actual candy. NSFW, nor, I suppose, for diabetics.

Friday, March 24, 2006

33. More playing with food

There was a time when I was so hungry that I imagined my best friend was a burger.
This is sort of like that. Only more aesthetic because they used photoshop.

32. A philosophical problem

If onion rings do not contain actual onions, what are they? If they are called onion rings but are not really onion rings, as such, will they cease to exist?

31. cruel & unusual

Most kids hate vegetables. Most kids love snacks. So, someone came up with the most insidious plot to deceive children since a wolf pretended to be someone's granny: they made Snacku! vegetable flavored snacks.

Made of healthy rice crackers and fortified with iron, it would have been the golden mean between what kids want and what parents want their children to eat, finally bridging the gap between generations while keeping kids healthy.

Like most utopian ideas, it failed horribly. Snacku! tasted worse than okra (universally hated by children) and had a suspiciously green tinge, like someone had gotten too creative with their watercolouring project (or had no talent.) The ultimate test to find out if your parents secretly hated you was if they gave you Snacku! in the afternoons.

In time, children were practically begging to be fed actual vegetables instead of this mutated munchy. They even offered to do extra chores and eat soap just to get away from this stuff.

Soylent Green may be people, but Snacku!, Snacku! is just terrible.

30. WTFunk?

Finally, a snack cool enough for hipsters, disco dancing queens, and those in the know.

Funky Cheese Flavor French Fry Snax is like today's music: impossible to put into a specific category but undeniably there. Made of flour and the same cocktail of chemicals that made the 60's and 70's so groovy, Funky tries to find a niche for itself alongside old-timers Jack and Jill and Granny Goose by trying to be two things at one time: french fries-ish and cheese-flavored. This new cat lives on the edge and he's not afraid to show it, subverting the snack industry by claiming to be "snax", the next step in the evolution of chips.

Sadly, Funky, like most upstarts, is more hot air than anything else. Flavorless and having the texture of toothpicks, it's obvious that papa ain't gonna get a brand new bag.

29. Play with your food

This takes playing with food to a whole new level. A level approaching genius although not quite reaching it because the limit does not exist.

If you love Katamari Damacy, then you can have your cake and eat it, too! Just make sure that, as another immortal video game said, you can... FINISH IT!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

28. What is this world coming to?

Clouds in your coffee, Little People in your chocolate.
Makes sense to me!

27. Serving a Dark (Chocolate) Lord

I died , but the chocolate deities brought me back.
Take your pick. Unlike in the real world, having more than one is not heresy, just good taste.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

26. Better late than later

"So, Eric, we meet again. Except this time, the advantage is mine."

It was a voice in the shadows. Sinister, as most voices in shadows are.

"This is your end, your just dessert."

I ducked instinctively, fearing whatever dastardly doom he had in store for me.

He cackled as a sticky goo covered my entire body.

"Revenge is a dish best served...sweet. Or bitter-sweet. Maybe candy-coated. And with coconut sprinkles."


Death by chocolate?

Preposterous, I say.

It could even prolong my life, sweetly preventing cancer and heart ailments.
Nobody dies from chocolate, except if , of course, you mean what the French call the "little deaths."

Oh death, where is thy sting?